Kate (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
toasterchild) wrote2015-07-06 11:27 pm
toasterchild) wrote2015-07-06 11:27 pm
Entry tags:
No Mirror Challenge
I've decided, quite arbitrarily, to do the No Mirror Challenge for a week (7 days) after reading about it on buzzfeed. The rules are simple: (1) Don't look in a mirror or any other reflective surfaces (and no photos/selfies), (2) if you do accidentally look, look away as quickly as possible, and (3) try to avoid negative thoughts about your appearance.
Although I don't consider myself a particularly vain person, I have definitely noticed an increase in my propensity to check my appearance, ensure that my makeup is just so before leaving the house, and to change outfits a few times before settling. I didn't used to be that way. The first 15 or so years of my life, I heard a lot about how unattractive, fat, and awful I was and how no one would ever love me. Although from 15-20 I heard almost nothing at all, from 20-now people have been remarkably positive and supportive (I can't actually remember the most recent time someone said something sincerely negative about my appearance).
When I gained some self-esteem and positive body image for the first time in my life, in the last few years, and realized that it was even POSSIBLE for me to be attractive, I became a little hooked. I wanted to look better. Cuter, more feminine. The closer I could come to the standard of beauty, the better I felt about myself, because I was now capable of something that I thought to be previously impossible.
I'm still pretty lazy. I wear a lot of (fitted) t-shirts with jeans, my makeup routine is pretty basic in the day-to-day, and I used to pull my hair back more often than not. But I've noticed a strange thing. Even though, overall, I feel better about my body and appearance, I'm more critical of it than I used to be. While before I was just a lost cause, now I notice every pimple, every time my fat is visible, when my eyeliner is uneven, how my shoulders look in tanks, etc. It's like that part in Mean Girls: "I used to think there was just fat and skinny, but apparently there's a lot that can be wrong with you" (or however it goes).
I decided to do this mirror challenge because I want to see what will happen, like the things I learned about myself when I fasted for 48 hours or went without a cell phone for a week. I like trying things that make me think. In that sense, I'm only really hoping to learn more about myself. It would be cool if I had some great revelation or gained a bunch of confidence from it; I'd be fine if all I learned is that I'm more vain than I thought. So long as I know.
I figured today would be fairly easy: no plans, nothing going on. I covered my mirrors the night before while I straightened my hair, haha. Because I wasn't going out today, there was no need to put on makeup and my outfit didn't really matter. Even still, I found myself looking to where my mirrors are when I brushed my teeth, washed my hands, walked by the hall after getting dressed, etc. Strangely, I also noticed that in the reflective surfaces I happened to notice myself in - my laptop, a window, a framed picture - my default response was to do a quick check to make sure my hair wasn't crazy. I resisted the urge each time, but I started wondering.
I tucked my hair behind my ears for most of the day. I recently cut it short and have trouble getting it out of the way. That also means I have no idea what it looked like for most of the day, which made me insecure. Was it making my face look more round? Did it matter?
I caught myself glancing at my covered mirrors every time I had reason to pass them - using the restroom, or walking through the hall. I can tell it's a habit, more than any actual need to check myself. They were not accompanied with insecurities so much as with "huh, I didn't realize I look at myself in the mirror so often" moments. I read somewhere a woman averages 70 looks at her reflection in a day. That number seems high to me, but I'd easily buy 30-40.
Near the end of the evening, I found myself planning the next day. I consulted a friend for what constituted cheating. If I tell people and they look out for my appearance for me, is that fair? If I put on makeup without looking in a mirror, is that cheating? What if I straighten my hair? Is the challenge more about vanity or body image, more about others' perception of me or my perception of myself? After reading others' Challenges, I concluded that I'm allowed to do anything so long as I don't need a mirror to do it.
My makeup is a problem. I have light eyelashes and dark hair, plus I'm pretty pale. That means I tend to look washed out or hungover when I don't put liner and mascara on. While I think I might be able to fake mascara, liner I have no hope of doing without a mirror. I think, even if I try to put makeup on, I have no way of checking it. I wonder how others will see me. I wonder if I don't straighten my hair, if I'll look okay or like a hot mess. It's a new hairstyle and I don't know how it will look; is this the time to experiment when I can't tell?
The first day was easy because I didn't really see anyone and no one really saw me. Tomorrow, I'm attending a screening/event. I'm working events on Wednesday and Thursday. These people I see all the time. I wonder if they'll care. Does it mean more to be judged by strangers than your colleagues and friends? I mostly hope I can get to the point of looking presentable without the insecurity and neuroticism, but that might be asking for too much.
This morning I used someone else's bathroom and stared in the mirror for a few seconds before I even realized what I was doing. It was the kind of zoned out default where I wasn't actually looking at any specific detail or having any related thought, but gazing at my reflection in general. It's such a natural thing to look at yourself. As soon as I realized, I looked away.
My hair was the monster I thought it would be, in that I have no idea what it looks like and spent the entire day feeling insecure about it. I'll even admit, somewhat embarrassingly, that I tried to catch my silhouette to see if it was a hot mess or something decent. It felt like cheating and, when I did notice it later - something I never would have noticed if not avoiding reflections - I couldn't tell anyway. I also applied mascara today with similarly nerve-wracking results, but I'm pretty sure it looked fine. I had someone take a picture of me to look at when I've finished my challenge to see how my mind compares with the reality.
I accidentally caught my reflection four other times. Once in the reflective glass door of a store's entrance (it takes active concentration to avoid that), once in my car window (and that), and a couple times in my rear view mirror (and that, as it turns out). I never realized how often I quickly check myself in my rear view until today, where I consciously resisted several times and still accidentally did it a couple. Your reflection is literally everywhere, on everything.
I did notice, later in the day, that although I was insecure about my hair for most of the day, I hadn't given one thought to the acne that might be on my face, or whether I "looked fat" in my outfit, or if I might be looking pale (especially given not getting much sleep). My hair is one of my favorite things about myself and I know it can do wonders for me. Given that no one commented on my hair (friends or colleagues), I'm inclined to think it was okay, even if not great. Which led me to wondering how much it really matters in the first place. Not like "I should never try to look nice ever," but "if I have a terrible hair day one day, it won't matter at all and it's unlikely someone will think less of me for it." My hair doesn't make or break me.
I have to say, there was a really great beauty in noticing my silhouette this evening. It made me feel more.. human, I guess? Connected? I'm not sure how to describe it, but I liked it. I think it was one of the first times I noticed what I looked like without seeing anything good or bad, right or wrong. Just a shape, as it is. That might be the first time in my life that I can remember looking at myself entirely free from judgment.
Tomorrow, I've decided to go without any makeup and am planning to make a more concerted effort to avoid seeing myself at all. We'll see what happens!
I, unfortunately, forgot to write DAY 3 on day 3, so this will be short.
I know I only accidentally caught my reflection once, briefly, which I was pretty happy about. I was definitely more aware of my own reflection at all times. Interestingly though, the only time I really thought about how I looked was once at home, when I was having hair issues, and then once while at work specifically because I began sweating. That was it. No thoughts given to acne, my outfit (beyond "will this bra work with this top? not sure and can't check so wtfe"), etc. If I could now just ditch my hair neuroses, I feel like I would free up a lot of time in my brain to think about much more valuable things.
I miss the sight of myself. I feel narcissistic just admitting to that. I honestly can't say whether it stems from wanting reassurance that I don't look as bad as I think I do, or if - and this feels weird to say - I miss the companionship that my own image provides, like someone misses their own voice after taking a temporary vow of silence. This is going to sound terrible, but without looking at myself I feel a bit like I'm playing a first person shooter in that all I'm ever really seeing is my hands, etc, when I want to see the actual person. I want to see my own face, to reassure myself that I exist as an image. It's honestly a little uncomfortable in that sense.
Aside from that weirdness, things are pretty steady. Accidentally caught brief reflections of myself like 3 more times today. Nearly impossible to avoid.
I did something new with my hair today. The thing is, I'm fairly sure it looks crap. I kept expecting my friends, family, or colleagues to ask me "what's up with your hair today?" and was honestly utterly surprised when no one did. What I'm finding is that, although I'm neurotic about what my hair looks like all day (not my makeup/face or clothes/body so much??), I can't know that I look terrible, so I can't be insecure about it. On the flip side, I can't know I look pretty great either, so I'm less generally confident. But it's an interesting dynamic.
I've noticed that my attitude changes based on my perception of how I look in a given day. Which means that, not being able to tell how I look, I feel an odd and vague disconnect with myself. I'm not sure if this is related to/a rehash of things already said or something else. Will be giving it more thought.
Lastly for tonight, and perhaps most importantly: I have not noticed a single person treating me differently during these last few days of no makeup and god-knows-what going on with my hair. Although I admit I'm not currently dating anyone and have no one to explicitly impress, other than the general need to be professional with colleagues, I find it fascinating that the time, effort, and worry that I generally put in on a daily basis seems to have little-to-no impact. I'll reiterate that I think there are loads of reasons to make an effort (first impressions, dating, an event whose formality calls for it, etc), but that I'm noticing, for myself, that the little daily things seem to go mostly unnoticed.
As I was talking to a friend about these experiences today, I realized that I've spent a lot of time in recent months expecting people to comment. When I've put in serious effort (a memorial, a party), they have, of course. But in the day-to-day, no one gave a damn that I spent an extra 30min on my hair or did something new with my makeup; new clothes were commented on more frequently, but still not with much regularity. Hell, only 3 people commented when I chopped about 6" off my hair (the shortest it's been in the last 20 or so years). That last bit, especially, makes me wonder how observant others are or how much they care about the details of others' appearance. I'm becoming inclined to believe it's less than I would have guessed before starting this challenge. Which is a good thing. It's a positive commentary on how much I worry needlessly about trying to polish a rough exterior when I might be able to spend more time on the interior (that sounds cheesy, but it conveys my point concisely).
This morning I thought 'Okay, this has been fun, but I'm over it. I'm just going to start looking again.' But then I didn't, only because my determination to see it through outweighs my desire to stop having to think about it anytime a reflective surface appears. I was watching a movie the other day and a character was approaching a mirror and I found myself apprehensive at the idea of him seeing his own reflection, as if I might see my own as a result. Extremely brief, kind of hilarious, but that's the kind of thing I'm over. It's so much work to avoid my own reflection that, in a backwards and bizarre way, I probably think about my image more now than I did before. More, just differently.
Anyway. I wasn't paying much attention today and accidentally caught a decent glimpse of myself twice in someone else's bathroom mirror again. Although one of them was long enough to be like "my hair looks not as terrible as I thought but it is pretty weird," I found that looking away quickly still prevented me from staring at it and nitpicking everything wrong with it - or moving on to my face or clothes. I was unable to be so critical of myself because I didn't give myself time to be.
I was also less neurotic about my hair today, but I think mostly because I wasn't really seeing anyone (ended up hanging with friends later, but nbd). I momentarily begrudged that I couldn't check the mirror after my cat scratched me (he spazzed when some people came to fix our hot water heater) and later when I thought about how I was probably covered in fuzz from rolling around on the carpet to reach said cat in hiding and calm him. Otherwise, no real thoughts given to my appearance at all. Which is a little unusual for pre-Challenge, wherein I would be more conscious of it.
I don't know. I think I might spend a second week allowing myself to look at my reflection but actively trying to avoid any judgments of my appearance at all - positive or negative - and see how that goes.
Today was weird. It was the first day that I didn't spend the entire day neurotic as to how my hair turned out. I didn't wear makeup or any fancy clothes. I didn't miss looking at myself. I didn't once catch my reflection accidentally.
Here's what also made it weird. I took my mom shopping today, because she really needed new clothes. To make her more comfortable, I also tried on a few things. In that sense, I intentionally looked in the mirror a few times. Interesting, I barely gave my hair a glance (it looked a little weird but I forgot about it a few minutes later) and didn't look at or judge my face at all. It was like I didn't even care other than to judge the garment I was trying.
The pants weren't bad, but they didn't fit the way I'd hoped for the price. The skirt wasn't bad as long as it was sitting like this instead of like that. The other skirt just wasn't me. Shockingly, in retrospect, all my concerns with the clothes were with the clothes and not about my body. I didn't even think about how significant this was until later. Like with the skirt, it was "it looks awkward if I do it like this; I don't like the shape it gives me" rather than the "I look fat with it like this" it would have been before. Still a judgment about my appearance, but the fault of the clothing rather than my body. Interesting change in framing without conscious effort??? Pretty cool.
Otherwise, I don't know. I'm thinking about tinting my eyelashes because I like the way they look dark and I thought it would be pretty cool not to have to worry about mascara much. Is that contrary to this whole thing? I like to think there's a difference between wanting to do something that makes you feel more confident versus wanting to do something to hide a perceived fault, but that might just be me justifying things. Difficult to say. At what point are you doing it for yourself and at what point are you doing it for others? When is it okay to do one or the other without degrading or judging yourself? Questions I think about.
Although I don't consider myself a particularly vain person, I have definitely noticed an increase in my propensity to check my appearance, ensure that my makeup is just so before leaving the house, and to change outfits a few times before settling. I didn't used to be that way. The first 15 or so years of my life, I heard a lot about how unattractive, fat, and awful I was and how no one would ever love me. Although from 15-20 I heard almost nothing at all, from 20-now people have been remarkably positive and supportive (I can't actually remember the most recent time someone said something sincerely negative about my appearance).
When I gained some self-esteem and positive body image for the first time in my life, in the last few years, and realized that it was even POSSIBLE for me to be attractive, I became a little hooked. I wanted to look better. Cuter, more feminine. The closer I could come to the standard of beauty, the better I felt about myself, because I was now capable of something that I thought to be previously impossible.
I'm still pretty lazy. I wear a lot of (fitted) t-shirts with jeans, my makeup routine is pretty basic in the day-to-day, and I used to pull my hair back more often than not. But I've noticed a strange thing. Even though, overall, I feel better about my body and appearance, I'm more critical of it than I used to be. While before I was just a lost cause, now I notice every pimple, every time my fat is visible, when my eyeliner is uneven, how my shoulders look in tanks, etc. It's like that part in Mean Girls: "I used to think there was just fat and skinny, but apparently there's a lot that can be wrong with you" (or however it goes).
I decided to do this mirror challenge because I want to see what will happen, like the things I learned about myself when I fasted for 48 hours or went without a cell phone for a week. I like trying things that make me think. In that sense, I'm only really hoping to learn more about myself. It would be cool if I had some great revelation or gained a bunch of confidence from it; I'd be fine if all I learned is that I'm more vain than I thought. So long as I know.
DAY 1
I figured today would be fairly easy: no plans, nothing going on. I covered my mirrors the night before while I straightened my hair, haha. Because I wasn't going out today, there was no need to put on makeup and my outfit didn't really matter. Even still, I found myself looking to where my mirrors are when I brushed my teeth, washed my hands, walked by the hall after getting dressed, etc. Strangely, I also noticed that in the reflective surfaces I happened to notice myself in - my laptop, a window, a framed picture - my default response was to do a quick check to make sure my hair wasn't crazy. I resisted the urge each time, but I started wondering.
I tucked my hair behind my ears for most of the day. I recently cut it short and have trouble getting it out of the way. That also means I have no idea what it looked like for most of the day, which made me insecure. Was it making my face look more round? Did it matter?
I caught myself glancing at my covered mirrors every time I had reason to pass them - using the restroom, or walking through the hall. I can tell it's a habit, more than any actual need to check myself. They were not accompanied with insecurities so much as with "huh, I didn't realize I look at myself in the mirror so often" moments. I read somewhere a woman averages 70 looks at her reflection in a day. That number seems high to me, but I'd easily buy 30-40.
Near the end of the evening, I found myself planning the next day. I consulted a friend for what constituted cheating. If I tell people and they look out for my appearance for me, is that fair? If I put on makeup without looking in a mirror, is that cheating? What if I straighten my hair? Is the challenge more about vanity or body image, more about others' perception of me or my perception of myself? After reading others' Challenges, I concluded that I'm allowed to do anything so long as I don't need a mirror to do it.
My makeup is a problem. I have light eyelashes and dark hair, plus I'm pretty pale. That means I tend to look washed out or hungover when I don't put liner and mascara on. While I think I might be able to fake mascara, liner I have no hope of doing without a mirror. I think, even if I try to put makeup on, I have no way of checking it. I wonder how others will see me. I wonder if I don't straighten my hair, if I'll look okay or like a hot mess. It's a new hairstyle and I don't know how it will look; is this the time to experiment when I can't tell?
The first day was easy because I didn't really see anyone and no one really saw me. Tomorrow, I'm attending a screening/event. I'm working events on Wednesday and Thursday. These people I see all the time. I wonder if they'll care. Does it mean more to be judged by strangers than your colleagues and friends? I mostly hope I can get to the point of looking presentable without the insecurity and neuroticism, but that might be asking for too much.
DAY 2
This morning I used someone else's bathroom and stared in the mirror for a few seconds before I even realized what I was doing. It was the kind of zoned out default where I wasn't actually looking at any specific detail or having any related thought, but gazing at my reflection in general. It's such a natural thing to look at yourself. As soon as I realized, I looked away.
My hair was the monster I thought it would be, in that I have no idea what it looks like and spent the entire day feeling insecure about it. I'll even admit, somewhat embarrassingly, that I tried to catch my silhouette to see if it was a hot mess or something decent. It felt like cheating and, when I did notice it later - something I never would have noticed if not avoiding reflections - I couldn't tell anyway. I also applied mascara today with similarly nerve-wracking results, but I'm pretty sure it looked fine. I had someone take a picture of me to look at when I've finished my challenge to see how my mind compares with the reality.
I accidentally caught my reflection four other times. Once in the reflective glass door of a store's entrance (it takes active concentration to avoid that), once in my car window (and that), and a couple times in my rear view mirror (and that, as it turns out). I never realized how often I quickly check myself in my rear view until today, where I consciously resisted several times and still accidentally did it a couple. Your reflection is literally everywhere, on everything.
I did notice, later in the day, that although I was insecure about my hair for most of the day, I hadn't given one thought to the acne that might be on my face, or whether I "looked fat" in my outfit, or if I might be looking pale (especially given not getting much sleep). My hair is one of my favorite things about myself and I know it can do wonders for me. Given that no one commented on my hair (friends or colleagues), I'm inclined to think it was okay, even if not great. Which led me to wondering how much it really matters in the first place. Not like "I should never try to look nice ever," but "if I have a terrible hair day one day, it won't matter at all and it's unlikely someone will think less of me for it." My hair doesn't make or break me.
I have to say, there was a really great beauty in noticing my silhouette this evening. It made me feel more.. human, I guess? Connected? I'm not sure how to describe it, but I liked it. I think it was one of the first times I noticed what I looked like without seeing anything good or bad, right or wrong. Just a shape, as it is. That might be the first time in my life that I can remember looking at myself entirely free from judgment.
Tomorrow, I've decided to go without any makeup and am planning to make a more concerted effort to avoid seeing myself at all. We'll see what happens!
DAY 3
I, unfortunately, forgot to write DAY 3 on day 3, so this will be short.
I know I only accidentally caught my reflection once, briefly, which I was pretty happy about. I was definitely more aware of my own reflection at all times. Interestingly though, the only time I really thought about how I looked was once at home, when I was having hair issues, and then once while at work specifically because I began sweating. That was it. No thoughts given to acne, my outfit (beyond "will this bra work with this top? not sure and can't check so wtfe"), etc. If I could now just ditch my hair neuroses, I feel like I would free up a lot of time in my brain to think about much more valuable things.
DAY 4
I miss the sight of myself. I feel narcissistic just admitting to that. I honestly can't say whether it stems from wanting reassurance that I don't look as bad as I think I do, or if - and this feels weird to say - I miss the companionship that my own image provides, like someone misses their own voice after taking a temporary vow of silence. This is going to sound terrible, but without looking at myself I feel a bit like I'm playing a first person shooter in that all I'm ever really seeing is my hands, etc, when I want to see the actual person. I want to see my own face, to reassure myself that I exist as an image. It's honestly a little uncomfortable in that sense.
Aside from that weirdness, things are pretty steady. Accidentally caught brief reflections of myself like 3 more times today. Nearly impossible to avoid.
I did something new with my hair today. The thing is, I'm fairly sure it looks crap. I kept expecting my friends, family, or colleagues to ask me "what's up with your hair today?" and was honestly utterly surprised when no one did. What I'm finding is that, although I'm neurotic about what my hair looks like all day (not my makeup/face or clothes/body so much??), I can't know that I look terrible, so I can't be insecure about it. On the flip side, I can't know I look pretty great either, so I'm less generally confident. But it's an interesting dynamic.
I've noticed that my attitude changes based on my perception of how I look in a given day. Which means that, not being able to tell how I look, I feel an odd and vague disconnect with myself. I'm not sure if this is related to/a rehash of things already said or something else. Will be giving it more thought.
Lastly for tonight, and perhaps most importantly: I have not noticed a single person treating me differently during these last few days of no makeup and god-knows-what going on with my hair. Although I admit I'm not currently dating anyone and have no one to explicitly impress, other than the general need to be professional with colleagues, I find it fascinating that the time, effort, and worry that I generally put in on a daily basis seems to have little-to-no impact. I'll reiterate that I think there are loads of reasons to make an effort (first impressions, dating, an event whose formality calls for it, etc), but that I'm noticing, for myself, that the little daily things seem to go mostly unnoticed.
As I was talking to a friend about these experiences today, I realized that I've spent a lot of time in recent months expecting people to comment. When I've put in serious effort (a memorial, a party), they have, of course. But in the day-to-day, no one gave a damn that I spent an extra 30min on my hair or did something new with my makeup; new clothes were commented on more frequently, but still not with much regularity. Hell, only 3 people commented when I chopped about 6" off my hair (the shortest it's been in the last 20 or so years). That last bit, especially, makes me wonder how observant others are or how much they care about the details of others' appearance. I'm becoming inclined to believe it's less than I would have guessed before starting this challenge. Which is a good thing. It's a positive commentary on how much I worry needlessly about trying to polish a rough exterior when I might be able to spend more time on the interior (that sounds cheesy, but it conveys my point concisely).
DAY 5
This morning I thought 'Okay, this has been fun, but I'm over it. I'm just going to start looking again.' But then I didn't, only because my determination to see it through outweighs my desire to stop having to think about it anytime a reflective surface appears. I was watching a movie the other day and a character was approaching a mirror and I found myself apprehensive at the idea of him seeing his own reflection, as if I might see my own as a result. Extremely brief, kind of hilarious, but that's the kind of thing I'm over. It's so much work to avoid my own reflection that, in a backwards and bizarre way, I probably think about my image more now than I did before. More, just differently.
Anyway. I wasn't paying much attention today and accidentally caught a decent glimpse of myself twice in someone else's bathroom mirror again. Although one of them was long enough to be like "my hair looks not as terrible as I thought but it is pretty weird," I found that looking away quickly still prevented me from staring at it and nitpicking everything wrong with it - or moving on to my face or clothes. I was unable to be so critical of myself because I didn't give myself time to be.
I was also less neurotic about my hair today, but I think mostly because I wasn't really seeing anyone (ended up hanging with friends later, but nbd). I momentarily begrudged that I couldn't check the mirror after my cat scratched me (he spazzed when some people came to fix our hot water heater) and later when I thought about how I was probably covered in fuzz from rolling around on the carpet to reach said cat in hiding and calm him. Otherwise, no real thoughts given to my appearance at all. Which is a little unusual for pre-Challenge, wherein I would be more conscious of it.
I don't know. I think I might spend a second week allowing myself to look at my reflection but actively trying to avoid any judgments of my appearance at all - positive or negative - and see how that goes.
DAY 6
Today was weird. It was the first day that I didn't spend the entire day neurotic as to how my hair turned out. I didn't wear makeup or any fancy clothes. I didn't miss looking at myself. I didn't once catch my reflection accidentally.
Here's what also made it weird. I took my mom shopping today, because she really needed new clothes. To make her more comfortable, I also tried on a few things. In that sense, I intentionally looked in the mirror a few times. Interesting, I barely gave my hair a glance (it looked a little weird but I forgot about it a few minutes later) and didn't look at or judge my face at all. It was like I didn't even care other than to judge the garment I was trying.
The pants weren't bad, but they didn't fit the way I'd hoped for the price. The skirt wasn't bad as long as it was sitting like this instead of like that. The other skirt just wasn't me. Shockingly, in retrospect, all my concerns with the clothes were with the clothes and not about my body. I didn't even think about how significant this was until later. Like with the skirt, it was "it looks awkward if I do it like this; I don't like the shape it gives me" rather than the "I look fat with it like this" it would have been before. Still a judgment about my appearance, but the fault of the clothing rather than my body. Interesting change in framing without conscious effort??? Pretty cool.
Otherwise, I don't know. I'm thinking about tinting my eyelashes because I like the way they look dark and I thought it would be pretty cool not to have to worry about mascara much. Is that contrary to this whole thing? I like to think there's a difference between wanting to do something that makes you feel more confident versus wanting to do something to hide a perceived fault, but that might just be me justifying things. Difficult to say. At what point are you doing it for yourself and at what point are you doing it for others? When is it okay to do one or the other without degrading or judging yourself? Questions I think about.